Welcome to 40 minutes before midnight, well at least it was before I began writing. I sit here kidding myself that the rest of the world is sleeping while I sit here somewhere between self-congratulatory arrogance and tears. The fact of the matter, from my recent experience, is there are likely far more adults sitting awake into the wee hours of the morning than peacefully sleeping in high self-esteem fueled self-satisfaction.
I am hardly alone. I feel it though.
Mental illness and mental fatigue are like an acid that slowly eats you painfully away…
There is an air lately, a change in perception perhaps, that has me looking at the world in a different light. In some ways it is brighter than ever. This naturally sees the flip side so VERY VERY much darker…..
I have constant battle in my mind. I must say eliminating a couple of key triggers has seen the battle become more manageable. My one month of sobriety is looking more like the beginning of my life of sobriety. As for the rest of my internal struggle, it was put well by someone I met recently and it was to the effect of this:
“I used to love playing with my brother and his friends. They’d often play cowboys and Indians. Some were cowboys, some were Indians…..but somehow I was always the horse”
Given those who know the industry I have been working in and my recent intellectual and spiritual pursuits, it could be easy to take this out of context. However the way I read into it was very easy to relate to. No matter how much you enjoy something and even if you are a part of something, it doesn’t mean you fit. You are who you are and sometimes who you are is just different. Different is everything I strive for but it is very isolating.
Lately I have received a lot of support, the only thing that has outweighed that, is advice. Opinions are like arseholes right? Everyone has one and most of them are full of shit. Further more I can’t help but to giggle when someone TELLS YOU that you have to make up your own mind and not do what others tell you.
At this point, if I took on board everyone’s advice right now, my head would implode to the level of creating a black hole. Every where I turn, it’s something else. As soon as I feel like I have found some level of satisfaction, something wanders right up behind it and whispers “yeah, nah mate”.
Ultimately I’m completely selfishly chasing my current endeavors. I’m looking for the best version of myself and how to find it. Something I can only do myself. Yet I repeatedly crave acceptance and validation…..while I search for a way to live without both (externally at least). For me there is something really fucking messed up about that.
I suppose what I’m getting at is that I wish I had the answer or didn’t have the need to seek it. For once, I just want to shoot guns with the cowboys or arrows with the Indians…..
INSTEAD OF STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL, WONDERING WHAT IS HAPPENING AND WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO….
..just like the damned horse xX