*Trigger warning, child abuse, mental illness, suicidal ideologies*
“I am a PATHETIC, FAT, LOSER WHO IS NO GOOD AT OR FOR ANYTHING….!”
I stood on the scales at the gym. I’m 500g under my starting weight since I started and have stopped putting on additional weight since upping my cardio and lowering my time doing weights.
However a friend of mine has lost my entire goal weight loss in a matter of weeks and frankly I have nothing to show for the effort and sacrifice I have put in. This was the start of me tearing myself to absolute pieces.
I know there are several rational reasons for the fact I’m not getting anywhere. My motives for the gym are strength and peace of mind above all else so this really is not important in the scheme of things. I am walking better, faster and have improved endurance. AWESOME!
In moments like these, my mental disorders/diseases spreads through my mind like a cancer of destructive words and impulses that attack my mind, my self esteem and my motivation. I know I can be misconstrued as dramatic and an attention seeker, I feel like I am at times but if you trace the roots back to where all of this began and the events that caused my mind to fracture, I believe I would make a little more sense to people. More sense to me.
Enter my altered mental state….
See when I saw those scales I saw a lack of progress vs effort. I saw those I’ve know to be gym goers and weight loss champions standing in front of the camera with huge changes with every before and after. I saw 100 selfies with thousands of likes (I’m cheering at 10 haha, can’t imagine thousands) which made me feel entirely inadequate. What is it about me that just doesn’t stack up against others (keep in mind I’m a huge advocate for not comparing yourself to others and loving the skin you’re in, it’s OK I hear it). I don’t fit fancy clothes, the only way i’m going to lose weight is to cut meals and give up everything I enjoy (there’s not much left). I suppose that’s just how that goes. I got the fat ugly short gene and I have to become someone I’m not if I’m ever going to be what I want. Even then it’s not going to work. The people I know are ashamed of me, my children will grow to be. I will never be good enough for anyone so how can I be good enough for me. I’m not pretty, i’m poor and have been since before I was born, I screw everything up and I’m no good to anyone or at anything. SO WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT?!
Pretty intense huh, sounds like bullying. That would probably adequately describe it. See growing up I had a parent who had massive weight issues that were, at times, projected onto me me. This in turn became my inner monologue when I was looking at myself in the mirror. Weight wasn’t the only issue that resulted in some very unhealthy core beliefs. This however is the least of my worries and should have been stamped out by my years of therapy already…
The damage I am coming to terms with and the enforcement of such self deprecation seems to have a core set during the years I was brutalized during my formative years. Abuse so powerful that only snippets of clear memories come through. SO powerful I doubt it ever happened at times. My brain starts to shut down to protect itself. I have considered hypnotherapy but have been refused and told there is sufficient evidence in my testing and assessments that should I draw those memories out, I risk my brain shutting down permanently.
A lot of these horrific ideas and attacks come from a person who was a trusted family friend. I was verbally beaten down then it was backed up with physical atrocities to enforce my powerlessness. It had to be ensured I would never stand up for myself or speak out. To do so would mean the end for the offender. Which (after years of seeking the truth, I had confirmed) eventually would be his fate, he killed himself 2 weeks before trial. He knew he had no chance in prison and was facing over 80 REPORTED cases against him. Mine wasn’t one of them and I’m sure there were plenty of others. For those of us without reports it means we would never see acknowledgement or compensation for the things we endured, for the warped people we became. Well I know I am warped anyway. I feel this lack of recognition leads to my dire need for for approval and acknowledgement and definitely feel it delays my recovery.
So there it is. The words I hear when I look into that mirror are rarely my own. I wince and flinch when faced with my reflection. My eye finding every flaw and telling me I am nothing. I should just shut up and blend in or even better, disappear.
It is a process which there are few professional equipped to deal with. I hope this brings some clarity as to why I hate myself so much I’ve craved to end my own life. Maybe it won’t. Anyone whose seen the results on an abused animal might understand the effects on the psyche. For anyone who suffers like I do, know you aren’t alone. To anyone trying to support someone through recovery, maybe you’ll understand them better now.
It’s OK to feel the way you do BUT DON’T GIVE IN! We can get through this and in turn help others defeat and put away their daemons. MOST IMPORTANTLY we can be the source that takes away the power from predators so no one ever as to feel this way again…
….especially after doing something as small as stepping on a set of scales xX