I actually just wrote out a rather long blog only to decide not to publish it yet. See I still find myself censoring myself so I don’t upset others. I know I should be able to say whatever I feel I need to say and screw anyone who doesn’t like it.
If I am completely honest..
I am very self conscious about what I write and often hold back to avoid the backlash and criticism. Which is unfair. I firmly believe we are ALL entitled to our opinion without fear of retribution but after what I’ve been through, I know life isn’t like that. The simple act of saying I miss someone or that I am frustrated can lead to being berated and often end up feeling bad about myself and anything I’ve said. I hear play by play in my head what ‘certain’ people will respond with and often get so discouraged that I don’t post at all. In my mind I’ve already had the arguments and just fall into a depression rather than get things off my chest. Sad really since the response is more to do with them than me. Even sadder that I recognize that and still live with fear.
That’s where the alcohol came in!
I would post or speak with dutch courage and get it out there while I had the guts. Then I could question my accuracy based on the fact I’d been drinking. I rarely reread anything sober that I had written drunk.
So I have worked out why I was asked to abstain from drinking and contact with the boy I like (*giggles like teenager*)…
Outside of an obvious detox to gain more mental clarity. It was to give perspective and reassess my genuine nature of my habits. Was the desire to engage in both of these things real or just old repeated patterns of behavior?
It certainly has provided new perspective and I can confidently say my 31 day ban on alcohol is looking to be an indefinite choice. Getting to see the world without altering my mental state has been very enlightening and refreshing. As for my other affliction, I have gained clarity and am probably more confused than before. My feelings for him don’t change, how I see him doesn’t change and never does no matter what I do. I have concluded that he is likely ashamed of me (join the club), that he probably just pitied me and that’s why he spent any time with me at all (hows that for some depressive, self depreciation! Winner!). Even with these thoughts, I still miss my friend. There was something about him, he always had a way that made the world make sense to me. The feelings aside. He was there, we had a fair bit in common, he was always so generous and thoughtful. He never gave a thoughtless gift or failed to apologize when he felt he was in the wrong, he never lead me on (tick tick tick, the hamster starts twisting my thoughts again, I better wrap this up). He COULD be an amazing friend when he put in the effort, beyond expectation. Can I be just friends with him? Not right now, maybe not ever.
ANYWHO! YAY ME 31 days sober! I’m feeling pretty chuffed and feel like I’m seeing the world for the first time. I love it. For now I feel alcohol is a non issue.
I was set forth a couple of huge challenges, while I’ve kept my word on both, I feel confident I have absolutely smashed one….
..and 1 out of 2 ain’t bad….