44 days sober and I F@#!ING HATE EVERYONE!

Myself included…I know I’m guilty of the things I am about to criticize too.

In reality, being sober has absolutely no influence over how I feel about people. I do see things differently though. It has been a disheartening day. I find the days I do intensive study on campus I often walk away shaking my head. I always feel I fail at something or manage some social faux-par. Days like that I would drop through the place I used to work and catch up with someone I deeply care about. I’d get a story about some time he screwed up and how I’m doing really well for myself. By the time he hugged me I felt ready to carry on chasing my dream. Today I couldn’t even look at him. I’ve been told to cut contact with him by my psych and while I am seeing the merits and idea behind it, it didn’t stop the fact I wanted to run over for my damn birthday hug and cry out how monumentally I screwed up my prac assessment even though I worked pretty hard on it. Without being able to chat with one of the only people EVER who seem to pick up what I’m putting down without having to explain myself or justify how I feel….

Little things that boil away under the skin BECAME AS SUBTLE AS A FREIGHT TRAIN!

Toot F@#!ing TOOT! I posted a pic on Instagram, AKA my diary, explaining how upset I was that I hadn’t passed my practical assessment and how disappointed I was because my own personal stuff was the cause (yes, there are some things I never speak about online). My birthday has been a trigger for me too. The profile is to document the raw nature of my recovery. It was the featured picture and I had a comment straight up.

“GO CUT YOURSELF BITCH”

Ha hahaha hahahaha haha HAHAHAHA….

landscape-1472121200-harley-quinn-suicide-squad
I’ve been compared to Harley Quinn a lot AND that is before she became an icon.

 

In a previous life this would have bothered me. I mean it did but not on the personal level it once would have. I just deleted it and wondered a couple of things. One was which combination of being touched (too little or too much) this idiot was a product of and two was, why do these “trolls” (that’s right, i’m hip), who feel the need to leave any sort of  negative comment NEVER HAVE A PROFILE PICTURE OF THEMSELVES? It’s always of something else, like a car (are you a Decepticon?) or some cartoon character (come on, if you are going to judge others at least own it enough to show your face). A callous thing to say given my history of abuse I know and rather insensitive (enter a new kind of self loathing that kind of exposes my nasty side) but what if I was someone else. It’s been a while since I have self harmed but I know plenty of people who continue to. What if it was the kind of person who didn’t just delete it, who opened themselves up to more pointless bullying. How many people has this person hurt with this pointless kind of attack? WHY DO IT AT ALL?

It did have an effect on me though and I snapped from feeling like a failure and worthless to society to HATING SOCIETY AND NOT WANTING TO BE A PART OF IT AT ALL. The next part is aimed at general society, the kind who never question themselves because they are sure they are in the right. Even if they are wrong, see rule number one.

4620042-here-we-go

Seriously? It was put very well one day via tweet “it says right on the redbull can: do not mix with alcohol. what do we do? we make jäger bombs. we are not a species made to last” (https://twitter.com/carneal551/status/684190084694970368?lang=en). 

Seriously, there’s a few plot holes here:

  • A friend told me tonight about parents giving their kids bleach enemas.
  • I can submit assessments to qualify for a diploma and talk to friends across the globe (what friends, hahaha, ya got me) while sitting on the can YET we can’t find an definitive cure for cancer.
  • Apparently posting selfies at the gym indicates mental disturbance (ding ding ding in my case, however you didn’t need the selfies to worth that out), how many people did that make feel ashamed? AS IF IT ISN’T HARD ENOUGH TO COMMIT TO SELF IMPROVEMENT!
  • I’ve noticed people seem to have a couple of key groups in my social circles that completely rub me up the wrong way. One lot who have the “harden the f@#! up attitude….ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM A PARKING TICKET TO COMPLEX CHILDHOOD TRAUMA. The other seems to get off on drama. Like they feed on it. Totally there and supportive in dark times, clawing at every detail and filled with inspiration. The moment the clouds leave, so do they. I know I need to work on accepting people for who they are BUT WHY MISERY? Why is society so keen on demonizing everything?

OH AND HEAVEN HELP YOU IF YOU HAVE KIDS!

Everything from the shape of your kids eyes to how often they fart. YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG! The only thing worse than becoming a parent (at any time) is choosing not to have children. UNLESS OF COURSE YOU ARE READING AN ARTICLE WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO CHOSE NOT TO HAVE KIDS. These little buggers are the definition of unique. They aren’t manufactured, they are tiny little wonderfully chaotic balls of noise and curiosity. You can come up with a thousand things as contingency plans for them and THEY WILL STILL SURPRISE YOU.

SO, in conclusion…

BACK THE F@#! OFF! At least once in a while. (That includes my grammar and speilink. I actually use it as a tool to gauge my emotions and content. It is a realistic illustration of the mind in various states. I know it is meant to help me and I definitely appreciate it but my dumbarsery is part of THIS story. I don’t actually expect this to go anywhere relevant to grammatical accuracy. *No boobface, you aren’t the only one)

Most everyone is doing the best they can. Today I was sad so I got SAD. If you are sad, go for it. Don’t try to fix it or anyone else’s, if talking helps BELT IT OUT, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone (hell, even then, sometimes it’s necessary to heal). Don’t put others down because you feel s@#! about yourself (you truly are an arsehole when you do this, it’s reflection on you not them dickhead). Get angry if you are angry, find something practical that doesn’t hurt anyone to smash. Whatever your consensual thing is for you.

Whatever you do, put the judgmental crap away, at least sometimes. The world has enough to deal with without an ill informed judgement because you don’t like feeling feelings!

*Side note, thank you to everyone who DID take the time to wish me happy birthday and check in on me. I am very lucky to have the people who actively engage in my life, warts and all. It has a huge impact on keeping me going when I am supported. I blog instead of internalizing, I stay sober rather than embracing detrimental habits. I move forward, I process, I become better and a big part of that is those who care…even if it’s just to tell me I’m being stupid before letting me chew their ear off xX*

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