…for I know exactly what I’m doing…
This is the point in the story where the disgruntled protagonist would burst into song. She would faultlessly lay out awkward truths, one after the other, in a manner the audience all relate to in some sudden clarifying moment. Like a bolt from the blue, whole groups of people are inspired to think outside the box and embrace some portion of their life in the name of self improvement. An uplifting faze that lasts a week or two before it gets put away somewhere between the family juicer and a dusty treadmill.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone. There are plenty of people who follow through on inspiration and often go on to inspire others. The type of person I’m talking about, I refer to as “general society”. The person flipping you the bird after they cut YOU off on the road then continues on apparently oblivious to the ‘blinker’ function required in every registered vehicle. I am ashamed to say, lately, I am being much like the latter. I breathe cynicism, even ignorance. I hate everyone. EVERYTHING frustrates the living shit out of me. I hate being this way and I hate feeling this way. What it boils down to is dumb…
…I’m just tired.
I have been living in a place mentally that is quite dysfunctional. I see others around me doing so well, picking up jobs they worked so hard for. Friends falling in love, finally getting together with their dream partner. Others are getting married, buying houses, getting to celebrate the birth of children they so desired. Meanwhile all I can see is all the knives in their back carving the story of how they got there, and all they ways those wounds are set to be reopened up. I am (rationally minded) beyond happy for the success of others. Especially those who fought for what they love, and won. I eagerly celebrate from the sideline and wish every bit of joy life has to offer for them.
Yet a part of me eats away at the back of my brain though…
What the hell is so wrong with me? Why do I seem to struggle so much harder than them (i’m sure I don’t *side note from the rational mind*)? Am I ugly? Perhaps it’s my lack of education or my socioeconomic status that deems me unworthy? Toxic thoughts run through my mind like a virus through every vein and organ. My body aches, my head is in agony constantly and I want to shut down. Some days, shut down for good. I suppose in a Rocky style montage, you see snippets of the struggle quickly become improved. Bigger, brighter and more heroic with every second. Watching each clip, you can’t quite grasp how much work is involved, how hard the low points are and just how many people give up.
I know how selfish I am being, I can hear it and I hate myself.
I strive so hard to be a light in the world, like many others have been for me. I have the opportunity to do it everyday but instead of accepting others might not need or want light, I become resentful that my efforts aren’t having the effect I want. Furthermore I have everything I could wish for. My kids are healthy and thrive. I would take them and a shitty situation over being a wealthy successful stepford…anything, any day. So ultimately I have no grounds for complaint. My house is desirable (though chaotic and messy), I am presented with unique opportunities regularly and I have a full license and freedom to a very comfortable degree. All of which has primarily been gotten on my merit. I also get to help people which is all I’ve ever wanted in life. Essentially if I were someone else looking from the outside at my life, I would probably be inspired.
Whatever this gaping hole is, what ever it needs, I hope the universe answers my call soon. My soul is tired and desperately searching for something my brain can’t understand. I don’t want my golden rays of sunshine just feeling like a golden shower anymore. Mostly I hope to find what I am looking for subconsciously before I slide into apathy. Before I become just another arsehole complaining they can’t see the forest because there are too many trees in the way.
Before I forget myself completely xX