If mental illness makes you squirm then turn back now. Please be aware that triggers of childhood abuse and mental disorders may be present in this post. This is a rather raw post from a chaotic mind and I completely understand anyone who chooses to tap out as I head deeper down the rabbit hole of recovery xX
There is a fine line between knowing you’re crazy and thinking you are. See I can handle being crazy. What I can’t handle is not knowing if I am. In fact one of my biggest triggers is ambiguity. If you like me, two thumbs up! If I’m not your cup of tea and you voice it (at this point anyway) I will probably give you a smile, nod my head and buy you a beer anyway.
Today has been one of “those” days. I stepped on soooo many tiny lego, my youngest son pitched a fit while shopping that went on for over an hour (you know that kid you can hear scream “I WANT IT!” from three shops away and it just vibrates through your head? Well guess what, it is probably mine.) and the rain meant all four kids were sitting, looking out the window longingly as if they were in an R.E.M video. Translation, fights, screaming and tearing the house apart.
I am tired and have gone without Coke (as in Coca-Cola, believe me these blogs would be FAR more interesting if it were cocaine…i imagine). I have been drinking over a litre pretty much everyday since I was a toddler so my body is rather unimpressed. I’d love to say it’s because I’m following health advice but the truth is I forgot to get some during the great tantrum of 2017. Maybe it’s a sign it’s time to give it away.
I am feeling vulnerable, in pain (mad headaches) and feeling the gazes of a thousand strangers glaring at me while I dragged a human air horn through a shopping centre today. My mental health has taken a long walk off a short plank today. I took a dive and the ghosts of a million interactions ran through my head. The voices of the past started screaming and my self-esteem plummeted. Two things ran through my head more than anything else. Something my psych challenged me with as we began attacking the trauma part of counselling and a comment made about my how I have behaved online while drinking (I got the impression some of it may have been..perceived as unpleasant..and targeted). THAT was uncomfortably confronting…
One, because I know it, anyone who is here after clicking the link on my Facebook page knows it,
and two, apparently the one person I thought didn’t cared enough to notice, knows it too.
I knew eventually I would have to be accountable for my behavior. Especially to this person, he has worn so much of my shit since we met. 4th step I believe. It creates a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. After years of therapy etc, I am very self aware. I know the reasons behind why I do it. I am scared, I don’t feel heard, I feel rejected, I feel hurt and/or angry…. BUT rather than verbalizing it directly to the person (which I think I have in great detail..maybe not….*brain explodes*), I get crazy passive aggressive, practically holding a neon sign public, about it. Like the mature adult I am. Seriously, who the f@#! does that?! Apparently me… It’s me…
Then my mental disorders take over, I can’t breathe, I keep replaying everything over in my head. Then I explore and over analyse every word I’ve said, every motion, every moment. In that second, in this case, one of the biggest calming influences I have ever had dissipates and in his place stands the monster who created the twisted soul I possess today. I can hear THAT voice echo over the top of any good thoughts. I can feel his hands around my throat and i’m back to staring at an unfinished wall, counting, over and over (…1…2…3..4…). In my mind the words that monster said to me overload any thoughts:
“What a f@#!ing loser. Why the hell does anyone even talk to you?! No one is ever going to like you, let alone love you. No one will believe anything you say, you have nothing to say, YOU ARE NOTHING….
You are going to die here and no one is going to miss you…”
*gasps for air and tries to continue on with the day, there are kids that need you to get up*
Hmmm…the psych said something huh..lets talk about that….
So I am reaching into the trauma part of my counselling. My psychologist has this one challenge that she pulls out that never fails to pull me up.
“Did you hear what you just said?”
I’ll take a crack at it or laugh it off before she repeats my words back to me. She had asked me about why the same people seem to have the same effect on me (more or less). I had spouted out that nobody understands me in there some where. It’s true and for good reason. A majority of people never will. They haven’t been there and I hope as the years pass eventually no one ever will have to go through the things I have.
I can dream.
By the end of the session we had discussed the parts of my brain that never moved passed 7 years old (*facepalm* that could help explain my lack of rationale with personal relationships and a whole bunch of other stuff). She assured me that once I healed, these traits and insecurities should be minimized, if not gone all together.
WOW? Could I heal?
Is that possible? What if I’m too broken? What if the damage of being who I am is irreversible? What if I have lost my chance to have a normal life? What if who I am destroyed anything good I could ever have? Am I strong enough to deal with any of this? Will there be anyone left by the time I am done?
I live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and fear, I’m an adult and I shouldn’t be like this but what if I do heal and I am still isolated and alone? What if I still don’t fit in? Can I grow to accept being alone and that I may not be good enough for my children as they grow even after giving it my all?
All of this based on one base core belief…..