“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Alexander Pope
If screwing up is human than I guess I have no way to excuse myself from the human race. Though many days lately have found myself wishing I could. I do however, recognize whenever I am enduring a PTSD attack, everything feels much larger than it is…..
Now, I can hear the snickers of a couple of readers already and I’m sorry my dick jokes are nothing on most of yours so I won’t bother.
Anyway, I have been taking solace in music to soothe my busy mind. There is a fabulous song by Rag’n’Bone Man, Human (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wKzyIN1yk) that I have been listening to over and over. I find it rather fitting as an illustration of society as it is today. That is what inspired the top photo. I took it a while back but couldn’t muster the energy to tell the tale behind it. This post will only touch on how I was feeling at the time.
For me, feeling a part of society is something I have always craved. Yet, regardless of how hard I try or what I achieve or how much I manage to help others, I still feel subhuman in the eyes of those I admire. I also feel I pale in comparison to the person I want to be. This belief can sometimes be compounded by incidences at work or with friends who sometimes look to me with an expectation to provide things that I simply don’t have the capacity to….in my heart I know I shouldn’t kick my own arse over things beyond my control.
In reality, do I kick my own arse?
YOU F@#!ING BET I DO!
I had been really feeling it. I had to take some time off. Once upon a time someone demonstrated such a kind gesture that I knew, in that second, that I would never be the same. Anyone who followed the story of Loz and the great KIA debacle would know what it meant for someone to toss their keys at me and give me use of their car until they finished work. A virtual stranger who didn’t know much about me or my family. I was always for kindness but wandering through the shops sorting a weeks worth of shopping in a matter of minutes (between buses and walking it was a full days job), I knew this is what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to make a difference and suddenly it seemed attainable. So as the story goes, as soon as I got settled, I set to work doing just that. The perfect medium fell into my lap. I thrived on it, I loved every second of it…
..until recently, I didn’t and I couldn’t. The world seemed like a dark and hopeless place. Seeing the state of those around me. People losing their houses, having to turn away person after person because the organisation I work under doesn’t have the capacity to fit the growing demand. Wearing the brunt of the emotions that followed by some. Which sucks, because I can hear them, I know they are in crisis, I feel what they are feeling because not that long ago it was me. The streets were home a few times throughout my life, it’s painful to send someone back out there. Even more painful to see those, I perceived, as potentially taking advantage of opportunities others would give anything for. I felt like just another cog in a broken machine and this wasn’t even the part weighing heaviest on my mind.
Then this turned up….
Another gesture, not asked for. This was card #2 actually and both made me reconsider my relentless negative view. It was just what I needed and I hope this person knows just how amazing she is. It made me feel like being me was enough and that someone had noticed how hard I try, and how much I was drowning. I had to step back because I was feeling human and vulnerable (yes, I do tend to believe I’m 10 ft and bulletproof) yet I still mattered.
At my low points my brain screams that I am a monster.
That I am a burned out shell. That all I have to offer is cinders of life and I could just fade away and no one would care. I expect myself to become superhuman to make up for it, and when I fail I dive deep into a depression.
I am beginning to see that is my disease talking, taking over, whispering to my self worth. If you ever find yourself relating to what I am saying, perhaps it is a fractured way of thinking causing you harm. It’s OK to be human. You aren’t the things that have happened to you. There is so much good out there if you pay attention. It’s OK to be a bit F@#!ed up.
For those who made it this far. Even those watching from the shadows. I hope you don’t give up on me. You guys are the reason I know I can’t. I am going to get better. I am sorry for any hurt or turmoil I cause. I know I screw up, but please remember….
I’m only human, after all xX