From Chaos Comes Clarity

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, for anyone reading along for the first time, I am a volunteer worker a homeless crisis centre. A job like that brings about some incredible souls of a caliber one could only hope to meet once in a life time. The most impressive souls often lie within the paid staff. Now I know that my fried little brain tends to put people on a pedestal.  In the case of the two people above me, it is much more than simply me seeing more than people may actually be worth. For anyone to survive in that industry and still walk though with such grace and influence there has to be a level of fortitude beyond what I have seen.

Anyway, I stayed back today to ensure the workers on Friday would be a little bit ahead for the food parcel service. I have got to get serious about completing my diploma so I have to step back my duties at the centre for a while. I do have all the time in the world Wednesdays though, so why not do everything I can. This lead me to a having a few moments with one of my superiors. She is someone I aspire to be like one day and take her advice to heart. I discussed a few organizational things with her. I discussed a few life things with her. Eventually I disclosed my worries about having this time to myself for the first time in…maybe ever?  She seems so comfortable in her own skin. I endevour to be the same. I talked about adjusting and triggers. I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate my self so much for the most part. It is all pretty straightforward stuff. Then it came to the underlying issue. The boy who I can’t shift from my mind. How the whole thing clouds my judgement at times, making me feel worthless and fearful I am unlovable. She said something very insightful and almost other worldly about souls recognizing each other. However this comfort and recognition can over shadow some unfortunate realities. Ultimately it isn’t about me, It’s about him…

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Bitch please, everything is about me right?!

 

BOOM, then she said the words I’ll never forget:

Anyone who is right for you will never make you feel anything less than you are.

I know it, I’ve heard it a million times. However something cracked and I  REALLY heard the meaning for the first time. I ran through how I am my own worst enemy, I ran through all my past experiences, I put the blame on myself and how so much of it is in my head. Suddenly the cogs seized and the puzzle came together, all the rubble of a thousand unresolved thoughts fell from my head. A light went on inside. I’d been looking at it all wrong. Read that large sentence, over and over! Reconsider how you define the word “make”. It was this bizarre feeling and it overwhelmed my cloudy head.

Now I understand this probably makes no sense….

but often the most significant moments in life are meant for us and us alone. Two years of questioning myself, a lifetime in fact, resolved in a sentence I have heard and said to others a million times. It’s like a great weight has been lifted. My fears and insecurities have been shocked into the same shadows they try to banish me to. I feel like I can finally move forward.

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I feel like I can finally move forward.

If I am going to have worries, there are enough troubles in the world. Anger, violence, F@#!ing ALCOHOLISM, cancer, DEATH. I want to be a light, I want to fly to the highest edges of the universe, challenge the wrongs of the world and rise above. I want to be the hero Gotham deserves not worry over such small things. This afternoon, for the first time….

I feel it is possible xX

giphy[1]

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