Living the dream….

I just got my salary through and I officially pay more in TAX than my previously contracted permanent jobs paid altogether. YET, I could live more comfortably on Newstart allowance (It’s an Aussie thing).
Thanks to the current economy, my new success and hard work lands me about $150 a fortnight minimum worse off than living on centrelink (Aussie welfare system).
BUT my increased rent will be paid, my bills paid in advance, loans being paid off, my 4 kids fed, footy games attended, school bags and shoes replaced, haircuts done, fuel to get to get to said work, volunteer work adhered to, therapy attended, my boss where she needs to be, her flights booked, her teams financial needs met and loose ends tied up, meetings sorted, work’s legal papers signed, conference tickets sold and some damn fine public speaking done as to why the system isn’t working….
Granted the numbers don’t quite match up on it working but I can’t let that stop me. See I actually qualify to live on disability but I refuse. Arrogance mostly…the other half is the insecurity that comes with relying solely on support to live…that and no way to prove myself and advance.
I am still recovering from my past, dealing with the old PTSD chestnut plus my other disorders. I’m feeling pretty fragile. I need all the support anyone can muster just now, the form of a tagged meme would be enough to make me smile. It’s all I need some days. Others, I just want to feel like I matter as much to those I love as they do to me. I get it in portions. Mostly portions from people who have already expended themselves beyond their means. You know the ones who’d give you their world if they could spare it. I am very disenchanted by a few loved ones of late. I think I invest so much in people I know will let me down because…..well.. I know they will…and they won’t even mean it. That way I have an excuse not to pursue my dreams because they are big and they are things many couldn’t fathom because the consensus on the real world sees my experiences as a thing of myth. The only thing worse than living this way, is living on the other side of the mirror and being ignorant to the harsh reality this world offers. Whether it be cancer, drowning or accidents for example. Life does not discriminate when it comes to age, financial status or experience. Ultimately, the only thing you can promise in life is what you deliver everyday. For me I try to give hope, time and a sense of thanks to those I encounter. I endevour to provide random acts of kindness, that may not change the world but may change someone’s world for the day…
But I digress, I am dealing with a lot of anger and sadness in my recovery just now and frankly need more love than I think I’ll ever feel worthy of. I know the world is beyond my control but in saying that I want to put it out there that I am giving my all, with my pockets empty but my heart full.
Eventually the car is going to die and I’ll hit bottom from the fight but I’m done giving in before my number is up. I’ll find a way. Just hope it doesn’t cost me my soul in the meantime xX

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