Confessions of a broken mind #2

The most incredibly beautiful people are the broken human beings. If I could, I would give them the ability to see themselves through my eyes. I’d turn myself inside out and surrender every bit of my happiness just for a chance to get them to see themselves as they really are.

Well the ones I know anyway. Often covered in a shell of hatred or insecurity that can be misunderstood and is designed to keep people away. The disguise is a mask that helps them walk through this world and fit with those who are truly ugly on the inside. It is very easy to confuse the two. Especially if their bitterness is aimed mostly at themselves. I think I see through it a little easier because honestly, it was me for a long time. Still is to a degree. I think that’s why I actually physically hurt when those I love are. I know how much deeper things cut when you’ve been torn to pieces before. I put up a front of total confidence to hide the fact I am terrified most of the time.

Yet it isn’t a fear of what might happen,

it is a fear because I’ve seen just what can happen. My biggest fear in this world is unfortunately unavoidable. They are everywhere, they are dangerous, to others and themselves. My biggest fear?

Is people.

Recently I had it brought to my attention just how much I still push people away. I put these barriers and lies (I whole heartedly believe) between me and the world. I do it with work, where I have convinced myself I am not good enough or should know things that there is no chance in hell I could know yet. All out of fear of screwing it up. I have been working on making an effort with my friends. We are all so busy though so calls, memes and a cheeky text will have to do most of the time. It has been amazing rebuilding these connections. I have never really spent so much time in good company. The kind of company you would share your last meal with. I’ve reconnected with my kids. I still think I’m doing it wrong but I’m more patient and forgiving, mostly of myself. I am learning and my recovery is going along really well.

There is one type category of people I have been rather callous with though. The boys/men/woman/trans……uh you know, the category of love…or some shit.

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I complain about rejection and the no shows. In it all, it never occurred to me how I come across. It never fails to surprise me how similar the words are that I hear from those I love. Everyone seems so convinced they are old, ugly, fat and undesirable. BUNCH OF IDIOTS! Most of them are stunning exactly as they are, however, I’ll always celebrate body improvements. Almost as much as I celebrate cheat day (or as I call it, I’ll do what I want). In amoungst all of this insecurity and looking at each other, I do tend to forget, I am exactly like them. I am “ugly, fat, old and undesirable”. A lot of it based on the fact that this one boy doesn’t love me back.

Now here’s the kicker. In between the absolutely incredible nature of my life, showered in love and praise from my children, friends and now co-workers, I still let it take my ego to that place. What is worse, while he doesn’t go out of his way to do it, he always compliments and is there for me. Whether it’s work success or aesthetics or whatever. He is right up there when it comes to support (get your minds out of the gutter). So why does this bother me so much?

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Life lesson number one kids…

not everyone is going to like you. Fact of life. Most of what anyone thinks of you has very little to actually do with you. Why do I insist on telling myself I have to be with this person who is just being human? Psychologically speaking it is obvious, so “in theory” I should have conquered the compulsion a long time ago. Two years is a long time to pine over someone who just doesn’t see you that way.

Then came a moment of clarity, I suppose I always knew it but it didn’t hit home until the other day. I was talking to someone I have really liked for a long time and it came up. “what about that guy you’re hung up on?”.

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What about him?

Then it clicked. I put him in between myself and anyone I fear is getting close to me. I’ve built him into this legend, someone so formidable that no one could ever compete and therefore, upon hearing about him, would leave me alone. It never actually occurred to me that anyone liked me enough to be listening. I have been systematically using this person to drive people away. Already convinced no one could ever really like me, especially if they’ve known me more than five minutes.

So what about him?

In all honesty it seems to finally shriveled up and let out it’s final death rattle.

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I still think he’s a god who deserves the world. I will always think of him with high esteem and will be grateful for everything he’s done for me but the butterflies died. I used to get so excited just hearing his name, I used to get tingles through my body than ran out my finger tips. Sad to admit and am probably shooting myself in the foot on a few accounts here, I’ll miss feeling that way, like a horny teenager who got THAT excited just to spend 5 minutes talking to someone. I think you’ll actually find a few LM <3’s JS around that I’ve mindlessly drawn while on the phone over the past couple of years haha. It was cool to lust that strongly and care that much even though it wasn’t returned.

And he’s not even the biggest barrier.

Furthermore the issue of the fact I have four kids to three dads. I loved their dads with everything I had and some days I have to put their needs ahead of my own for the kids. I have a level of affection for them that could definitely cause issues because, well I kinda have too and frankly I’m lucky to have them. My kids get to be a part of everyone’s world and once upon a time I doodled their names on the corners of scrap pieces paper when I was bored. When I pick a human I like, I really like them. Body, age, education etc are all the same to me.

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However life is difficult and sometimes things happen. Life is hard and maintaining relationships, especially when one or more in the relationship has a broken brain.

I know I will always be scarred.

I will probably have to work on my issues and dance the medication trail forever but I am done hiding. Done having to watch what I say because someone else wants to make it about them. I’m done using the big guy as an excuse because honestly, I’ve been a bit of an arsehole. Instead of just saying what I mean straight up, I throw another guy down their throats. Anyone who can’t handle my legit crazy or the word “NO” will save me the trouble of removing them from my life. I’m famous for being a clingy co-dependent person who really like having her own space most of the time (yes I know what I said). The better I get, the core of who I am doesn’t change. I love to love, I adore sharing my life with the amazing people I do, especially those willing to make an effort to be here (even if one is convinced I want to be with him until the end of time but that my dears is something that will have an entire blog dedicated to it).

I am happy on my own and I know I’ve got a fair bit of that to go. I prefer it. If I were to get into a relationship it would goooo soooo slowly.

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Might give doing things “right” (right? is that a thing?) a go. Where you get to know each other first before you get too involved in each others lives. Where you still kinda bang around and do your own thing but make a particular spot regularly for each other to watch a movie or have lunch, surprise each other and stuff. Make each other feel important. I do think I do this with my friends though. Maybe I’m not missing anything?!

Anyway, point is, I do need to let this guy go in the romantic sense. I do need to be more honest with myself. If I want to be alone I should just say it. When I say move on I don’t mean find someone, but I do mean to leave that skin behind. Live in the now, give people a chance and don’t get too down if I don’t get the response I want.

As my previous boss said…

“no one who is worthy of you, will make you feel less than you are” xX

So I’m going to let that be my guide and trust I’ll find my place in the sun…

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