Yes if you are still following the fall down the rabbit hole, this one does refer to you (it’s a lot to screenshot though).
See today my world was turned upside down. It has caused me to find a peace with the events that lead me here. After all, my past and my tenuous relationship with it, is why I am here. It’s sad to say, as a strong independent woman, a boy helped lead me right here, to this very moment. His story, kindness and openness led me to hitting the “f@#! you” button on my life. He lead me to making peace with myself, a maintenance issue that will last a lifetime i’m sure.
The song is one my step sister introduced me too, or should I say sister or maybe ex sister by law….right now it’s just ex friend. I have always loved the song but “adult life” has taught me the true meaning behind it. Many, many times and a few yet to come I’m sure. My interpersonal relationships have been hectic to say the least and I have spent many nights bawling alone to Simpsons/Futurama/Family Guy repeats.
But I digress…
LIFE! Huh? How about that *leans half asleep on one hand whilst trying not to nod off*
I’m trying not to bank on today’s work interaction. After all my job was a big enough dream come true. During the conversation of technicalities I was told I am only there because I earned it. My mind just flashed back to the work mate who gave me video games to combat my loneliness after a break up and two old guitars because I mentioned my kids were keen on learning.
Most days I still get woken up by the strumming of those guitars…
Even when I have a house full of kids, not all my own, they delight in exploring music. I delight in showing them Metallica (for example) in return. What a gift. What a heart. What a disappointing fact to say…no..my dear lion heart didn’t come and live out our days happily ever after. I never thought I’d say it but he did me a far greater service by being resigned to his feelings for another. I believe I’ve searched for validation of my success by him returning my feelings for him and echoing my efforts.
Given my mental conditioning, it was a must! Though I have always supported his affections and aspirations. If anyone deserves happiness, surely his right by Karma equals mine. If I close my eyes, block my ears and yell ” LALALALA” he’s totally there. Then again, just like my life, I really have no opinion when it comes to matters of the heart.
I’ll never forget the moment!
I walked into his house, in his “what mine is yours” way. Whilst he apologized about a mess that made me wonder what his basis for comparison was. I remember looking into the bathroom mirror at myself and cringing at what I had become. He offered his house as my own as I made my way through the last stint of my homeless journey and supported my career pursuits. I wanted to have what he had for myself and the kids. So I began the hunt.
Which brings us to now.
Somewhere along the way, he showed me who I am and what I wanted by what I saw in him. While it didn’t go the way I was taught it should, the experience has given me a far greater gift. Even if we never speak again, the purpose, the feelings, the inspirations of selflessness, living in the moment and pursuit of your place in the sun are things that are irreplaceable. Even if none of it was what he set out to do.
Right now, I stand on the precipice of my dream’s dream…
Everything I have been through, everything I believe in, everything I have worked for, EVERYTHING has come to a head today. Negotiations and plans pending but I am potentially being put in a position to speak to the world on an issue close to my heart. A position I got “because I earned it”. Loz translation ” I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and someone liked what I’ve said”. A few have. Anyway, I am truly humbled that I’m being put in a place beyond anything I dared to strive for just by being myself. Honestly, myself is something, until I looked into that mirror that day, was beyond anything I was willing to face.
He had responded to my pain as if he’d seen it too and in that moment I didn’t feel so alone…
Which was a foreign also. A manner in which he carried himself, drove me to want to emulate him. This has resulted in me dropping that want. I wanted the world to see me like I saw him. I was mesmerized as he narrated his life while he wandered the kitchen looking for his keys or cursed his speakers as he attempted to play his guitars. His way just made me smile.
In the end, I have SMASHED THAT GOAL..
and am well on my way to finding my place in the sun. He will always live on as a god in my mind and his story told as an example of how one man can make a difference. That is where it ends though. My request to meet me atop the Eiffle Tower on 40th to propose, I think is welcome projection to be lost in words over the years to come. He was always there but wasn’t big on making the effort for me. I’d put it down to personality but he’s left a trail of dust in my face at the random call of the one who has his heart. Which is where his story went and where it ends in mine. Hopefully this time he truly will put that crown on and live happily ever after with his queen at his side.
So as I flew out of Melbourne, I left my feelings for him there…
and now I need to leave it in cyberspace too. so a fear of my impending success isn’t mired by his inability to feel the same about me. It doesn’t take away from where his inspiration lead me nor the happiness the sounds of the kids strumming those guitars each day brings me. I need to write it to leave it behind for my sanity, after two plus years. Soon enough I’ll be so absorbed by chaos. Chaos I hope to share the journey of with you all (confidentiality pending). I’ll never forget where I came from, one day my grandchildren will strum those guitars and i’ll bore them with the story of a boy who changed my life, his name started with J and I learned the name of the love of his life before he said his own…..
..and why we define our own destiny regardless. Keep the good, respect the bad, remember the hurt but hold onto the love xX