I never thought I’d see the day I could speak openly and honestly while sober to someone (also sober) who has crafted so much of my fear and insecurity. A part of my major malfunction in relationships. Yesterday the words of a thousand lifetimes fell from my mouth as I kept my sass stance and overly spoke with my hands. Somewhere between insecurity and fear with equal amounts of ‘fucking try me son’ while the tears welled in my eyes. It felt like a total showdown at sundown.
I’ve heard so many many apologies and reasoning for previous actions. All the words you need to hear when you’e hurt. The kind of words that ease the pain so you go back. The kind of words that you subconsciously recognize as “red flags” but has spent a life time of feelings alone, to the the point you’d rather hurt than have to face yourself. IT IS very easy to fall back into old patterns but yesterday was something different.
As I sat yesterday with my ex, I let out 12 years of grief. We spoke in a way that I had long given up on us ever achieving, even with a therapists assistance. Yet there we sat, amoungst the absolutely disgraceful state of my house while the kids tore the house apart, with a sense of stillness. Parts of me wanted wanted to fall to my knees screaming out the pain of over a decade at him. I had lived that moment a thousand times in my head trying to process the hurt and confusion. Every scenario just broke my heart a little more. The day had come, completely out of the blue. Though parts of me are concerned there is an agenda I am yet to see.
Now I find myself faced with a sense of peace I resolved myself to never having. I have been able to express what I’d like for the future especially with the kids. A talk in the past that would fill me so much with anxiety I would vomit before going over to talk. There was no explosion. There was discussion which will continue as time goes on. I brought up my biggest issues from the past and said I am not ready to forgive those trespasses as yet. Tears welled as I questioned why. He took it in his stride as I exploded everything into his face.
He acknowledged my hurt and apologized saying that he recognizes that it won’t fix it all. It was like a dream. I was looking at the man I had hoped would come forward many years ago with the words I needed to heal. Not just our history but mine going back over into my past with my family. For a long time it felt like him and I against the world. The very person who so often made me feel like I was crazy was sitting across from me helping to restore my sanity. It is strangely unsettling.
I’ve been damaged for so long. I don’t know how to cope with the idea I might actually heal to the point of normality. I know this is just the beginning too, anything can happen.
However in saying that…WOW! Truly ANYTHING can happen and it might not all be bad xX