An open letter to the lesser known man who help save my life….

You messaged me again today…

…..Out of the blue, you told me you missed our poker adventures.

I impulsively rang as I drove home with hands free. I have that in my car now. See the one you helped me get? Someone hit me in it and wrote it off. Everyone was OK. It was just me driving thankfully. I busted up my knees a bit and I was shaken for a few days. Luckily I had an amazing man right behind me. He held me while I cried after the wonderful crowd who stopped to help had dissipated. He followed me home as I drove the car for the last time. He even brought me a new one. One I insisted on paying back….haha obviously not all at once. I try though. That guy was almost my boyfriend. Changed all the rules in my broken mind….

…it didn’t work out though.

My heart is still bleeding but I couldn’t go to you this time for comfort. The Camry was  taken away by a dear friend for a good cause. One of my oldest friends I have recently reconnected with. He’s been my rock through all these big changes in my life. Even flying to Melbourne and buying a ticket to the corporate dinner to support me as my life took a turn. He has moved through life so confidently and despite finding love himself, he has not forgotten our little family. Everyday I am grateful he is there but…

 

I still miss you,

Not your stuff or what you did money wise. I miss my mate who helped me flee to my new life. Who danced with me in his friend’s kitchen in Sydney around Christmas. A time I was often so cold and alone. I stared in wonder as the planes flew so close overhead as if they were fantasies come to life. You were there to meet my caseworkers as I moved through being homeless and began healing. Women I get to work along side at times now. You used to travel to me as I was homeless just to spend time with the kids and myself. You put up with me relentlessly crying to you repeatedly over a boy who continually broke my heart, You still held my hand, kissed my forehead and put it into perspective. Even though at time it was wrong.

YOU were here with us when we inspected this house. You helped take photos as I filled out my condition report with someone who is now one of my most valued colleges. YOU invited your beautiful friends into my life, who honestly remain a GODSEND to this day. Boobs or universal enlightenment. THEY have really been the thoughts that defeat the daemons lately.

I wish this grief filled post was as simple as talking to someone who passed..

..Though some days I feel like I watched you slip through my fingers not long after I moved here. The kids still talk about you and your family but understand you are no longer parts of our lives.

I blamed myself  for a long time for the disintegration of our relationship. In the end, the third party in our lives ultimately had control. It was alcoholism. I have changed in a million ways. I have taken on a fight to make change that might go global. In some ways already has. I am still me at heart though. I remember you once got mad at me for leaving you behind like I once feared you would me…

In the end I did..

I still sit here alone drinking cheap wine in the stupidest glass I can find. I still tip over trying to put pants on in the morning and often get lost driving around the corner. My heart will never change. Same as ever…

The difference now is…

You message me in really spanned out periods. I called today because I wanted to tell you myself I missed you too. You continually paused perplexed as to why I called. Perhaps I was supposed to just message…like you didn’t want to face or take responsibility for where we are.

You always taught me to call if you wanted to say something. So I thought I would. I’m calling from a new car as I drive home from my dream job because I wanted to.

I’m not sure if these messages are designed to make me feel bad…

and frankly I don’t care. I loved you K. You spent so much time telling me I wasn’t good enough for you. I followed accordingly. Meanwhile I am calling after a day filling in for a new role at work to help support a higher up….

and you’re still walking to poker alone and are still thinking of me……

and it breaks my already shattered heart xX

 

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