Trigger warning. All of it. Primarily mental health reflection/disorders. As always these are my opinions, they dont reflect others just my own perceived facts and experience.
I’ve spent a great deal of time learning about my mental health disorders and how to manage them lately. Unfortunately, like cleaning a pantry, things get a lot messier before you see any improvement. I’ve gotten to the point where, if someone is around but isn’t helping, they need to get the hell out of the kitchen.
During my travels I have come across a stellar concept about myself. The notion of “emotional availability”.
Apparently it is common for people like myself to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people as that is what we were raised with. That is what is automatically translated as love as we grow older. It is where we are comfortable even though it is extremely damaging.
For me, I can’t help but to reference Maslows Heirachy of Needs:
Without those solid foundations, growth stops. I have built myself pretty well but fall down a little at safety and very much with love and belonging. Until I resolve these needs, I fear my esteem and actualisation will forever be in the proverbial toilet.
I had a huge “ah ha” moment at around 4am this morning. The crux of my fixation and the cycle with one particular person(who is forever my undoing) is simply their emotional availability. There is a huge capacity for others, I know they are capable of it, but when it comes to me? Well, I hear from them whenever they feel like it. On their terms.
How did I reach this conclusion? I am guilty of it too. When my emotional capacity is tapped, my ability to be available for other shrinks. Who I my left over resources go to changes as well.
By no means is this a bad thing. We all need reserves and preservation. However, it does mean I dedicate my limited capacity to people who aren’t bringing the same to my table.
Like a sad addiction, I race to slightest show of attention and ravenously feast on the few crumbs I’m being offered once they’ve fed everyone one else.
So the drum beats on. That comfortable place of rejection returns time after time as prophesied. Each time cutting deeper because of my own emotional investment. The hope that each time it will be different is soul crushing when inevitably I am cast aside again until they have the time for me. Usually only returning to fill their own cup as they may not love me, they do love how I view them and make them feel.
Maybe, one day, I can just change the script. If I can make one person like me, love me, the way that I desire, it’ll somehow magically undo all the feelings of pain from the past. That I will be healed, maybe even “normal”.
Completely delusional right? People don’t change at their core and frankly, they shouldn’t have to. I strongly advocate for loving people as they are, even if it means never being loved the same in return.
I know I’m a pill. It is very reasonable to assume that I am unlovable. All the self awareness in the world doesn’t stop me from continually going through the cycle of breaking my own heart. The old cliche of “Oh you’ve got to love yourself ” (usually said by someone that indeed does naawt love themselves) sounds stupid to me. Though I’m sure I’ve said it a million inappropriate times. I’m not exactly screaming healthy contributor.
I don’t love me. I’m nothing special and definitely no better than anyone else. How could anyone love me? What use am I if I’m not over extending myself for another? Without my children and work I’d probably have zero self-esteem.
Is it possible I’m just doomed to feel alone and miserable forever? The events of my life mean I pull back from those closest to me. I find it hard to engage with my own children at times which sucks because they are just all so incredible. They are my happy place and talking about them sees a smile spread across my face that is completely involuntary. You can tell because when I try to smile on purpose..well..this.
Even smiling is not something that comes naturally to me. I wish it was. But know, if I look genuinely happy around you, you make me for real and true, happy. So busted. I like you and I’m so sorry for me and what comes next.
Visiting this concept of “emotional availability” has seen a big weight lift off my chest. I feel like I’ve got a new armour and after recognising it, the total void of loneliness suddenly doesn’t feel so big. I’ve archived all conversations with people I crave attention from so there’s no reminder that another day has gone by and I don’t matter enough to talk to. I don’t feel tempted to talk to them either.
I can’t keep cutting people out of my life but I am vulnerable leaving channels open. Moving forward let’s hope that part of me so desperate for attention from unavailable (to me) people won’t be as reactive anymore.
Maybe one day, I won’t react anymore and I’ll feel comfort in my own skin xX
The Beating Of The Black Dog xX 